Tales of Heart-Break

My heart shattered into a million little pieces,
My life crumbled under your feet.
As you walked out that door,
You took my soul with you…

Relationship break-ups are so hard to get over. They come with so much pain, anger, guilt, inadequacy, lowered self esteem and negative emotions. In the beginning, we are convinced that we will never get over the break-up, and that we will never find love again. But that's not true at all. You can and you will get over the break-up as long as you take the steps to heal and recover. And yes, you will also love and find love again.

Suhrid, 31, running a small but successful event management company, reflects on his break-up of several years ago, “I just didn’t see it coming. It was painful. I drowned myself in self-pity and tears. I made myself miserable, and I did that to her too. I just couldn’t accept that she had found someone else. I couldn’t imagine my world without her." Suhrid gave up on himself, drank himself senseless, and hoped that she would come back to him. A persistent despondency alternated with sharp spikes of anxiety, which made it impossible for him to sleep or eat. After two months of this, he tried to replace his girlfriend with another woman. The woman was kind and pretty, but she wasn’t ‘her’, and that was something he couldn’t forget. Almost on the verge of losing his business, the truth hit home several months later, and he realised that if he truly loved her, he would want her happiness, even if he was not in the picture. He took charge of himself, re-entered the dating scene, but was always left with a strange dullness inside. It took Suhrid seven years before he meet Manisha. Today, he is able to accept his past with peace, even as he looks forward to his future with Manisha, the woman who “completes” him.

Sarina was only 24 when she fell hopelessly in love with Sagar, 28, who was already engaged to be married. They met at a conference and the chemistry was instant. Over several coffees and endless phone calls, Sarina knew that she wanted to be with him forever. Although she knew he was engaged, it did not deter her from dreaming of a future together. She was obsessed by her need for him and would call him at all hours, keep track of whom he was meeting, where he had lunch, if he had called his fiancée or not, etc. Sagar withdrew. One day, he told her he wanted nothing to do with her, or see her face ever again. Sarina was devastated. She overdosed on sleeping pills, but was rescued. She went into severe depression and was under medication for over a year, along with therapy and counselling. But today at 29, Sarina understands that life is a gift, and loving someone does not mean that your love has to be reciprocated. However, she still finds it difficult to be in a relationship, and admits that even now she sometimes thinks of Sagar.

Sangita was married for 11 years with two children, and in what she considered to be a happy marriage. Ritesh worked long hours and often went out on dinners and social engagements without her. Sometimes, he would go on office trips for three to four days at a stretch, but nothing was amiss because he was kind and loving at home, caring about the kids, generous with household expenses, and they were physically intimate. But one day, he left for an office trip and called two days later and told Sangita he was seeing someone else and would not be returning home ever. Sangita called him up umpteen times but he would not take her call; she would cry and think that her mind was playing tricks on her…that Ritesh loved her and the kids and would of course be back, she prayed that it was just a fling and he would soon see sense. Finally, when he turned up at the house two weeks later, he was a cold stranger. He asked for divorce and said that he would take care of the finances for the kids. He did not even ask how she was. He did not even say sorry. In a single minute, she was a complete stranger to the man she considered to be her everything. Sangita remembers with a shadow of pain on her face, “I couldn’t just move on. I didn’t find a miraculous way to overcome such heartbreak. I grieved. I anguished. I mourned. I longed to be loved more than the other woman. I poured out my heart in buckets of tears, crying for hours over months and months, unable to understand why my husband would hurt me like that…why he didn’t love me like he loved the other woman…what made her better…what did she have that I didn’t have? These thoughts tortured me. I couldn’t see the future; I couldn’t muster up hope for a better life. All I could do was just survive in a living hell. It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t fast. But eventually, I did move on with my life to come a long, long way away from that betrayal."

The names of people have been changed to protect their identity.

Getting Over a Heartbreak
Heartbreak from love lost rates among the most stressful life events a person can experience. The flood of stress hormones accompanying such events can actually weaken the heart. Why does heart-break hurt so badly? Attachment is not an all-or-nothing proposition, but a gradual process that is likely facilitated by two other hormones that flood the brain during intimacy: oxytocin, dubbed the “cuddle compound”, and vasopressin, a tension-taming peptide. When attachment is broken, the result is heartbreak and, in some cases, depression. A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that of men who’d been romantically rejected, 40 percent remained clinically depressed.

If the break-up was mutual, both people would experience a period of adjustment where they are getting used to no longer being together. If the break-up was not mutual, the person who ended the things may be dealing with guilt and feelings that they may have made a mistake. The person being broken up with will definitely have to adjust, first to being rejected and second to life without somebody they still care for. Usually, you are left with a sense of hopelessness, almost like life has left you with no choices. But the truth remains that we always have choices. And although each person’s journey is unique, there are common elements that tell you that you are not alone in your suffering…and that you can make your heart whole again.

We surfed the net for some practical solutions to help in our journey to healing after a break-up; listed below are a few tips that may work for you…

• Avoid the former love. Yes, avoid. No, this isn’t being immature. Seeing your former flame can bring out emotions and may cause you to do or say something you will regret. In the first few weeks, the best thing you can do for yourself is not to be where you know they will be.

• Talk out your feelings with close friends. Get everything out so that you won’t hold it inside. Your friends may get sick of hearing you talk about the situation but you need to let out all your feelings and thoughts.

• Cry if you want to. It’s OK to cry over a loss. Don’t hold back, let the tears roll. People get stressed when they bottle their emotions.

• Let go of mementos. Put away or give away anything and everything that reminds you of the relationship. Hide them out of sight so they will be out of mind until you are able to remember the relationship without longing for it to still be going strong.

• Don’t slip up and get together with your ex. When you are feeling sad or missing a relationship, it can be very easy to fall back in to the arms of your ex, but DO NOT DO THIS. This will only set you back and let’s face it, if things ended the relationship wasn’t perfect to begin with, so why would you want to rekindle things?

• Focus on all the things about your ex that turned you off, or that which you found annoying. Think about these things often and replay them in your mind over and over. Dwell on them. It will make you feel better to remember that your former flame was not perfect and that there are things you won’t really miss.

• Maintain a strict no-contact policy and stick with it. Don’t pass notes through friends. Don’t make any calls. Stay away from instant messaging or texting on your cell. Just don’t contact your ex until you are totally and completely sure you no longer want to be with him or her. It is the only way.

• It is a good thing to be with friends and family as much as possible after a break- up. It's a way of releasing emotion, and receiving support from trusted people.

• Get a journal and write down what you have learned from the relationship, about yourself, relationships, and life. A healthy way to work through your feelings is by writing about the break-up and the way you feel during the healing period.

• Create time to do activities that you enjoy. Keep yourself busy and your mind off the loss.

• It is important not to engage in self-destructive behaviours such as blaming yourself for the break-up or not caring for yourself.

• Do not expect to get over the relationship quickly. You may need weeks or months to get over a break-up, depending on how important the relationship was to you.

• Take good care of yourself. Get adequate rest, eat properly, and exercise.

• You may need help if you find yourself intensely preoccupied with your former partner, feel unmotivated and it is interfering with your work and social activities, or if you feel self-destructive.

• Counselling/therapy can help you come to terms with the break-up by exploring what this particular loss means to you and providing you with the insight you can use in future relationships. Furthermore, it can help you regain a sense of worth and instil confidence to move forward.